Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney's recent road trip
abroad, which took him from Europe to the Middle East, was intended to
be a showcase for his diplomatic skills and to boaster his foreign
policy experience, but a number of embarrassing gaffes have the public
questioning whether or not Mr. Romney is ready for the Presidency,
should he win it this Fall.
At Romney's final stop in Poland there were to be no voice-recording
devices allowed in as he engaged in a photo op with Poland's former
President Lech Walesa, but a journalist did get a clear recording of
Romney's number one assistant telling reporters to "Kiss my a**, this is
a holy place in Poland!" after they tried to ask Romney questions about
his previous gaffes in Israel and England.
Romney arrived back home early Wednesday morning and was kind enough
to grant me an interview via Skype as he oiled up his new car elevator
in his San Diego mansion.
Mr. Romney, thank you for taking the time out of your busy
campaign schedule to speak with me. I hope you have had time to at least
relax a little since you've been back home . . .
Mitt Romney: "Oiling up the ole' automobile elevator
relaxes me. My wife and I just had this baby put in a couple of months
ago to make room for my growing collection of rare collectible cars and
her Cadillacs."
You have taken some flack for installing a multi-million dollar
elevator in your home just for automobiles while at the same time
agreeing with Tea Party Congressman Rand Paul that the Americans With
Disabilities Act goes too far when it requires new buildings to have
elevators installed in them to make accommodations for people with
disabilities? How do you then justify an elevator in your home - for
cars?
Mitt Romney: "Look, I'm not going to apologize for
being successful. And besides, Cadillacs are people my friend, and my
wife buys enough of them to keep GM in business all by herself, so see,
it wasn't Barack Obama and the Democrats who bailed them out and saved
tens of thousands of jobs, it was the Romneys. And as far as elevators
in new buildings go - they are expensive and why should an employer have
to be burdened with the cost of installing one for the few people who
are confined to a wheelchair and want to go to work? I advocate making
all disabled people work in the basement and then installing playground
slides in office buildings and letting these people slide right into
their work stations. Sounds fair and pretty fun doesn't it?"
Well possibly, but can we get down to some questions I have about
your recent trip overseas in which many are claiming was marred with
very large public gaffes with foreign . . .
Mitt Romney: "I keep hearing that and I have no idea
what people are talking about! This is just another example of the
liberal media spreading lies. I don't have any large giraffes overseas,
and if I did I certainly wouldn' take them out in public. I do however
have quite a few offshore bank accounts, but I'm trying my hardest to
keep those private. And the only foreign giraffe I know of is that
Melman character from Madagascar 3, who is voiced by that actor from "Friends" David Schwimmer. Boy, he is one funny Jew."
That's exactly what the media is talking about. You just made a
racist remark about Jews and while you were in Israel you insulted the
Palestinians and possibly some Jews by saying the Jews were better with
money because it was in their heritage. And a gaffe is not an animal,
but rather an unintentional act or remark causing embarrassment.
Mitt Romney: "That's just nonsense. Everything I say is intentional. And
boy, if I thought it were true that Jews were better with money simply
because they were Jewish, then I would have converted from Mormonism 30
years ago."
There's no need to overreact, other Americans had public gaffes
overseas this week. Hope Solo of the womens' soccer team tweeted some
embarrassing remarks against American TV analyst and retired soccer star
Brandi Chastain . . .
Mitt Romney: "Hope Solo - Listen, anyone who escapes
from being frozen in carbonite by Jaba The Hut and then helps destroy
the Death-star can tweet whatever the hell they want in my book!"
Okay . . . While you were in England you insulted the Mayor of
London by suggesting that his large city wasn't quite prepared for the
Olympic games. Some are saying this is a mistake because it shows your
incompetence in diplomacy.
Mitt Romney: "Look, that was a gaffe that went
public, but there were plenty of good moments that the liberal press
isn't promoting that could have showcased my good diplomatic skills . . .
like when Prime Minister David Cameron asked me at a private luncheon
what kind of tea bag I would like served to me, it took all of my inner
strength to not punch him in his ugly English mug - I very simply and
calmly told him that as an American conservative I don't care to partake
in his liberal European homosexual rituals, but I know of a few
Republican colleagues who are huge tea-baggers in more ways than one if
you know what I mean . . . and that if I become President I would be
more than happy to introduce them to each other."
In Britain, afternoon tea is served like morning coffee is in
America, or like Jack Daniels is well, anytime in Mississippi, so that
too was a gaffe.
Mitt Romney: "My bad."
Besides those rather embarrassing gaffes, did you enjoy any part of your visit to London?
Mitt Romney: "My time in the Olympic village was
interesting - I haven't seen so much pill-popping and casual sex since
Rush Limbaugh's birthday party last year. And let me tell you something .
. . if beer pong were an Olympic event, Michael Phelps and myself would
definitely earn gold in a doubles match."
I have been following the Olympics from my TV here in the states,
and like most people I have a few favorite events that I enjoy
watching, like the men's pommel horse. Do you have any favorite Olympic
events? I know you and your wife own a horse that is in the Olympic
event known as the Dressage.
Mitt Romney: "To be quite honest I have never been
very athletic and I am not familiar with this "pommel horse" event that
you speak of, but I have pummeled a few horses in my time and if my
wife's two million dollar fancy horse comes home without a medal I'm
going to donate his lazy a** to the Elmer's Glue factory."
All right, getting off the subject of the Olympics - While in
Israel, besides insulting the Palestinians by saying the Jews were
better with finances you also made the statement that the United States
should look towards the Israeli health care system as a model. Are you
aware that the Israeli health care system has mandated universal
coverage for all of its citizens and a large amount of federal
government control and oversight?
Mitt Romney: "Are we talking about Israel or Massachusetts? Stop confusing me . . . Can we change the subject please?"
Okay, Rolling Stone Magazine recently released their list of the
top 500 albums of all-time, with the Beatles holding four of the top ten
spots. Are you a fan of the Beatles?
Mitt Romney: "You know, I never really cared for
that John Lennon - he was a long-haired, free-living, peace-loving hippy
who went against the established religion of his day . . . Or was that
Jesus?"
Okay, so the Beatles are not your thing - Do you have any other
bands or favorite songs that you would like to share with the public?
Mitt Romney: "I'm kind of fond of 80's rock . . .
That was a great decade for me. I made my first $100 million, most of my
legitimate children were born and I chopped more cocaine on my dresser
mirror every morning than I chopped heads every afternoon as the CEO of
Bain Capital - Boy I miss Reaganomics."
Mr. Romney - your favorite songs?
Mitt Romney: "Oh yeah, sorry. All right, let me see .
. . "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straights really got me pumped up.
"Everybody Wants To Rule The World" by Tears For Fears seems to still
play over and over in my head as I run for President, and one song that I
always liked but was a little shy to share with anyone was "Losing My
Religion" by R.E.M. - But my all-time favorite has to be that patriotic
song by that nice Christian rock group Creedence Clearwater Revival,
"Fortunate Son."
Creedence Clearwater Revival was a progressive and anachronistic
band that often wrote songs about the plight of working class people -
and your favorite song, "Fortunate Son" is written from the perspective
of a man who is being drafted into the Vietnam War who is not
"fortunate" enough to be the son of a Senator or millionaire.
Mitt Romney: "Looks like I'll be returning that
8-track tape to Sears. You seem to be more up-to-date on music than I am
- Would you suggest a more modern tune that I could use as a theme song
to play on the campaign trail?"
"The Pretender" by the Foo Fighters comes to mind.
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Disclaimer: This "interview" was fictional, but
please check back next week when I share my actual conversation with
Wisconsin State Representative Jeff Stone, who is far less of an
important figure in the GOP than Mitt Romney, but only slightly more
approachable.
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